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Tonight, season premiere: The entire cast gathers around the blown-open hatch, except for Locke (who is being kept under sedation to keep him from diving in headfirst). Ominous clanking and Darth-Vader breathing noises rise from the shaft. Charley leans over too far and falls in! YAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! The rest of the cast spends the entire episode, except for a few mandatory flashbacks, trying to fish him out. At the very end of the episode they finally reel him in, intact except for a few bruises and scratches and a glassy stare. Even for Charley, he looks particularly out of it.
Week 2: Charley has lost his memory!! Since it's Charley, nobody actually notices the difference until almost the first commercial break. Meanwhile, Locke has fought off the sedation and gnawed through the handcuffs with his teeth. Whoops, time for a few flashbacks! Between flashbacks, Locke edges closer and closer to the hatch, which is still rumbling and clanking ominously. Just before the final credits come up, Locke dives in headfirst!
Week 3: Rest of the cast takes a vote and decides to leave Locke at the bottom of the shaft. The remainder of the episode takes place out in Waterworld, where Sawyer turns out not to be dead and Jack Sparrow turns up as the head of the pirate crew. Aaarrrr. Walt's fine. He's been in the back of the pirate craft playing Nintendo.
Week 4: Rerun of the season premiere episode
Week 5: Rerun of some random episode from Season 1. Huh? Claire is pregnant again???
Week 6: Locke mysteriously reappears in camp with mud and fake blood on his face and a glassy stare. He's lost his memory! But his pockets are full of gold doubloons! The rest of the cast debates sending a heavily armed expedition down into the hatch, but first they need to follow that crazy Frenchwoman into the jungle to shop for climbing gear and gas masks. Meanwhile, out in Waterworld, we learn that little Walt is the mastermind who planned the pirate attack. And God knows what else.
Week 7: Jack, Sayid and the Evangeline Lily character (whose name has slipped my mind) rappel down into the hatch in full Hazmat suits. In flashback, we learn that Sayid's job in the Republican Guard was actually stocking the vending machines in Saddam's royal palaces and Jack received his M.D. through an Internet diploma mill. Huh. Claire's baby's head starts spinning around whenever Rousseau is nearby. Otherwise he seems fine, except that stuff has a tendency to levitate when he gets too close to it.
Week 8,9,10: Random reruns from Season 1. Claire is found alive! The following week she is kidnapped.
Week 11: Back to Waterworld, where the crew (now a combined crew of Lostaways and Pirates under Walt's direction) is being stalked by a gigantic crocodile that emits a loud ticking sound. Claire's baby is now starting to speak in tongues. Loudly. While the others are trying to sleep. Even the extras down in the beach camp are starting to complain.
Week 12: Three figures in Hazmat suits emerge from the hatch, but are chased back inside by the giant polar bear before they have a chance to take their helmets off. It looks like there was a 4th figure floating in the shaft behind them, but it can only be seen by rerunning the video on slow. Arguments break out in the forums: is it a ghost or a Little Grey Alien? A small but militant faction insists it is Mark Burnett, caught on camera by accident.
Week 13: The invisible monster is terrorizing the island again. And now there's a flying-saucer shaped ship hovering over the crashed airplane. The camera zeroes in on the numbers inscribed on the side of the hatch. Another line of text has appeared under the numbers: "Monsters from the Id." None of the cast notices, because there really aren't too many of them left outside the hatch right now. The rest of the episode is consumed with flashbacks.
And that takes us through the first half of Season 2. Stay tuned for the exciting SECOND half of the season, where we finally learn What's. Inside. The. Hatch.
Week 2: Charley has lost his memory!! Since it's Charley, nobody actually notices the difference until almost the first commercial break. Meanwhile, Locke has fought off the sedation and gnawed through the handcuffs with his teeth. Whoops, time for a few flashbacks! Between flashbacks, Locke edges closer and closer to the hatch, which is still rumbling and clanking ominously. Just before the final credits come up, Locke dives in headfirst!
Week 3: Rest of the cast takes a vote and decides to leave Locke at the bottom of the shaft. The remainder of the episode takes place out in Waterworld, where Sawyer turns out not to be dead and Jack Sparrow turns up as the head of the pirate crew. Aaarrrr. Walt's fine. He's been in the back of the pirate craft playing Nintendo.
Week 4: Rerun of the season premiere episode
Week 5: Rerun of some random episode from Season 1. Huh? Claire is pregnant again???
Week 6: Locke mysteriously reappears in camp with mud and fake blood on his face and a glassy stare. He's lost his memory! But his pockets are full of gold doubloons! The rest of the cast debates sending a heavily armed expedition down into the hatch, but first they need to follow that crazy Frenchwoman into the jungle to shop for climbing gear and gas masks. Meanwhile, out in Waterworld, we learn that little Walt is the mastermind who planned the pirate attack. And God knows what else.
Week 7: Jack, Sayid and the Evangeline Lily character (whose name has slipped my mind) rappel down into the hatch in full Hazmat suits. In flashback, we learn that Sayid's job in the Republican Guard was actually stocking the vending machines in Saddam's royal palaces and Jack received his M.D. through an Internet diploma mill. Huh. Claire's baby's head starts spinning around whenever Rousseau is nearby. Otherwise he seems fine, except that stuff has a tendency to levitate when he gets too close to it.
Week 8,9,10: Random reruns from Season 1. Claire is found alive! The following week she is kidnapped.
Week 11: Back to Waterworld, where the crew (now a combined crew of Lostaways and Pirates under Walt's direction) is being stalked by a gigantic crocodile that emits a loud ticking sound. Claire's baby is now starting to speak in tongues. Loudly. While the others are trying to sleep. Even the extras down in the beach camp are starting to complain.
Week 12: Three figures in Hazmat suits emerge from the hatch, but are chased back inside by the giant polar bear before they have a chance to take their helmets off. It looks like there was a 4th figure floating in the shaft behind them, but it can only be seen by rerunning the video on slow. Arguments break out in the forums: is it a ghost or a Little Grey Alien? A small but militant faction insists it is Mark Burnett, caught on camera by accident.
Week 13: The invisible monster is terrorizing the island again. And now there's a flying-saucer shaped ship hovering over the crashed airplane. The camera zeroes in on the numbers inscribed on the side of the hatch. Another line of text has appeared under the numbers: "Monsters from the Id." None of the cast notices, because there really aren't too many of them left outside the hatch right now. The rest of the episode is consumed with flashbacks.
And that takes us through the first half of Season 2. Stay tuned for the exciting SECOND half of the season, where we finally learn What's. Inside. The. Hatch.
