If I seem distracted at Minicon...

[dreamshark]

The news is that my mother is going downhill quickly since she finished with chemo. ambertatge and I will be making a trip to Sedona immediately after Minicon (Mar 31-Apr 1). When we made travel arrangements this seemed like the right time to visit, but I'm starting to worry that it might be too late.

Three weeks ago she was still walking her dog, doing her own shopping, and taking minimal pain meds. Now she is no longer leaving the house and has moved up to the full dose of the pain medication. Thank goodness her sister is there with her, and seems to be taking a lot of comfort in taking care of her. On the plus side, she hasn't really suffered very much up until now, and it looks like the time where she is really in pain is going to be pretty short. At least I hope so. But I do want to be able to talk to her at least one more time before she's too weak or medicated... or dead. Maybe I should have gone down one more time before Minicon. Or maybe there will still be more time afterwards (but I kind of hope not, if she's going to be suffering a lot).

How do you plan for the last time you're going to see someone you love? Having now had it both ways, I'd have to say that it's even harder to lose a loved one suddenly, but it sucks either way.

Comments

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

Either way sucks.

Sorry to hear she's not doing well.

Can you change your plans and go sooner?

It can be so hard to predict how fast they go once they reach this point.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I knew the last time I saw my dad that it was the last time, because I had flown to Calif. from Minn. to see him, but he was coherent, not in pain (at least with meds), able to move around some.

With my mom, I never knew when I went to the nursing home (a few blocks from our house, where she had lived with us for several years) whether it was the last time I would be able to communicate with her, and then later, whether it was the last time I would see her alive.

I'm sorry. I know you can do this, and I know it's hard.

Sympathies

[barondave.livejournal.com]

The last time I saw my father, I knew it would be the last. He held on for a few weeks longer. He was in assisted living, and died peacefully surrounded by caring people.

On the other side of the coin, I was going to visit my aunt, who was nearing the end of a long illness. She died the evening before my flight. The good part was that I was the first one on the scene to help out my cousin. She needed the help with things like writing her mother's obituary and shuffling everyone's sleeping arrangements.

Death is so... ordinary.

Oma

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Ah, sad. I don't know how to plan for that last visit. I think everything I imagine about such a thing is wrong.

K.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Minicon isn't until weekend after next. There's still time to go to Sedona beforehand if you feel afterward might be too late.

[dreamshark.livejournal.com]

There's no reason to think that this week is better than next. It could be 3 more months. I just don't know.

I'm going after Minicon because Amber can go at the same time.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Is it within reason to go before Minicon and after? Even if just for a short-short weekend now, followed by the post-Minicon trip with Amber?

You're right -- you just don't know. No one does. But given the amount of change in the last three weeks, it seems quite possible that a week or two this way or that could bring additional, significant change.

If the travel cost of a trip this coming weekend is prohibitive, perhaps you could work something out with friends who have more frequent flyer miles than I do -- mileage trips can often be booked with very short notice -- I benefited from that several times before spending down most of the miles I had accumulated.

It's quite likely I'm listening too much to my own experience rather than yours. My mom went from "headed to rehab" to "terminal; could be months" to "days rather than weeks" within a 10-day period of time. Do what works for you.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. Especially if you can take more time then than you could sooner.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Yes, it sucks either way.

I'm grateful that I didn't know my mother was dying two years ago when I set out on the 750-mile drive to her hospital bedside, that the only thing I was wondering as I drove was how many more such trips I'd be making before the end. None, as it turned out.

If you can go now, do.

How do you plan for the last time you're going to see someone you love? I don't think you can, really. I don't think anyone can. We make plans as a way of maintaining or regaining a sense of control over an experience we don't welcome and can't control.

May your mother, you, and your entire family go as gently as possible through the coming days and weeks. To whatever degree possible, may each of you attend to your own needs as well as each other's, mindful of the fact that doing so may well seem whole inadequate in the face of the enormous need that can't be met -- the need for our loved ones to never, ever die, and to be in good enough health that remaining alive is a blessing.

I wish your mother minimal suffering along with much comfort and peace.

Hugs.