Trip to see my mother
Apr. 5th, 2008 10:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamsharkSomehow it just seems too daunting to start a post about my mother, so I never post anything. But I do want to say that my post-Minicon trip to Sedona was a very good trip. I was dreading it a little bit, because I knew her condition had deteriorated a lot since I last saw her. But somehow it all worked out exactly as I hoped it would, and was a very good visit.
I chose to go immediately after Minicon (before even sleeping a night in my own bed) because my lovely daughter![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ambertatge would be able to join me in Arizona, being on spring break from teaching in San Jose. Even the flights went better than expected - I lucked out both ways and ended up getting my middle seat changed to window/aisle seats on sold-out planes. The rendezvous with ambertatge and my sister in the ginormous Phoenix airport went surprisingly smoothly. The three of us had a lovely dinner together and we had no trouble checking into our Motel 6.
Sandy drove us up to Sedona the next day, giving us more time to visit on the way. Sandy only stayed a few hours, but it was kind of magical. For a few hours we had all the women in my branch of the family in one place: me, my daughter, my sister, my mother, and my mother's only sister. So we had two pairs of sister, and 3 mother-daughter pairs. It sounds like it could be stressful, but it wasn't at all. We circulated around my mother's house breaking up into different small groups or pairs for conversation and looking at family pictures. Amber had brought her brand-new camcorder and got some videos of me, my mother and my aunt telling family stories (as well as trying to get the computer working and other less compelling scenes). We have absolutely no family videos of any of us except for these, so I hope we can find some way to edit and preserve them.
Sandy went back to Phoenix, leaving me and Amber with a couple of days together. We had a lot of fun. I love traveling with my daughter. Aunt Beth sent us on quests, which we heroically fulfilled. We replaced two almost-dead appliances (a dryer that would only air-dry and a microwave that worked at half-power and screeched continuously). We got the oil changed in my mother's car, vacuumed out the interior and washed the windows. And we had time for some fun together. We only got in one short hike (Fay Canyon, my favorite), but we accidentally ended up on a mother-daughter shopping spree in a little boutique that I'm sure I'll always remember. Neither one of us is really into clothes shopping, and I don't recall ever shopping together. Well, when she was a little kid, of course, but not as adults. Anyway, not this kind of shopping - when it's just the two of you in a little shop with two enthusiastic sales ladies who keep bringing you more stuff to try on... okay, it was kind of expensive and I'm not sure where I'm going to wear that gorgeous multi-colored jacket, but it was a blast.
As for my mother.... well, she's dying. But she continues to carry it off with such grace and balance that everybody who knows her is kind of in awe. Until 6 weeks ago when the chemo quit working she was still driving, going out to the senior center for lunch, cleaning her house, walking her dog. Not as active as she was a year ago, but still doing great for an 86-year-old. She stopped the chemo on Feb 28, and immediately started to lose strength. Within 4 weeks she was sleeping 16-18 hours a day and only moving from her bed to her big chair. She's using the walker that she never could imagine that she would need when we got it in January. She still goes to the bathroom on her own, but her hospice aide is now bathing her in bed. She doesn't even go into the kitchen any more; Beth feeds the dog, takes care of the house, and brings her meds and the little bit of food that she eats. She's having more and more trouble keeping anything in her stomach, esp. in the morning. But many times she brightens up in the afternoon and is able to eat a bit. Fortunately, the pain is still pretty well controlled, and she's not at the maximum dose of pain meds by any means. I'm relieved that she is able to sleep so much. I was afraid she would be awake and suffering at this point.
When she is awake, she is perfectly lucid, although I think the oxycontin is slowing her brain down just a little bit. She talks more slowly and has to concentrate harder to focus on the conversation. But she is still finishing up her own taxes (!) and is thoroughly enjoying her recent (possibly last) round of family visitors. She is very happy with the in-home hospice workers. There a quite a few of them, and I think she enjoys the variety. They pop in for short visits every couple of days, which is not quite what I expected, but it seems to work well for her. I think she looks forward to each visit. It gives her something to plan her day around and wake up for. Much of the rest of the time I think she is sleeping or drowsing.
Nobody can tell us how much longer she has. When I realized how fast her condition had changed since the beginning of March I thought she might not last the month. But she seems to have stabilized some, so I just don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if she took another abrupt downturn after my brother Dan visits at the end of April. I think she's focusing on staying engaged and alert until she has time to say goodbye to everybody. To be honest, I hope she goes fairly quickly after that, while she still has some feeling of control and not too much pain. That's the way she has always wanted it.
I chose to go immediately after Minicon (before even sleeping a night in my own bed) because my lovely daughter
ambertatge would be able to join me in Arizona, being on spring break from teaching in San Jose. Even the flights went better than expected - I lucked out both ways and ended up getting my middle seat changed to window/aisle seats on sold-out planes. The rendezvous with ambertatge and my sister in the ginormous Phoenix airport went surprisingly smoothly. The three of us had a lovely dinner together and we had no trouble checking into our Motel 6. Sandy drove us up to Sedona the next day, giving us more time to visit on the way. Sandy only stayed a few hours, but it was kind of magical. For a few hours we had all the women in my branch of the family in one place: me, my daughter, my sister, my mother, and my mother's only sister. So we had two pairs of sister, and 3 mother-daughter pairs. It sounds like it could be stressful, but it wasn't at all. We circulated around my mother's house breaking up into different small groups or pairs for conversation and looking at family pictures. Amber had brought her brand-new camcorder and got some videos of me, my mother and my aunt telling family stories (as well as trying to get the computer working and other less compelling scenes). We have absolutely no family videos of any of us except for these, so I hope we can find some way to edit and preserve them.
Sandy went back to Phoenix, leaving me and Amber with a couple of days together. We had a lot of fun. I love traveling with my daughter. Aunt Beth sent us on quests, which we heroically fulfilled. We replaced two almost-dead appliances (a dryer that would only air-dry and a microwave that worked at half-power and screeched continuously). We got the oil changed in my mother's car, vacuumed out the interior and washed the windows. And we had time for some fun together. We only got in one short hike (Fay Canyon, my favorite), but we accidentally ended up on a mother-daughter shopping spree in a little boutique that I'm sure I'll always remember. Neither one of us is really into clothes shopping, and I don't recall ever shopping together. Well, when she was a little kid, of course, but not as adults. Anyway, not this kind of shopping - when it's just the two of you in a little shop with two enthusiastic sales ladies who keep bringing you more stuff to try on... okay, it was kind of expensive and I'm not sure where I'm going to wear that gorgeous multi-colored jacket, but it was a blast.
As for my mother.... well, she's dying. But she continues to carry it off with such grace and balance that everybody who knows her is kind of in awe. Until 6 weeks ago when the chemo quit working she was still driving, going out to the senior center for lunch, cleaning her house, walking her dog. Not as active as she was a year ago, but still doing great for an 86-year-old. She stopped the chemo on Feb 28, and immediately started to lose strength. Within 4 weeks she was sleeping 16-18 hours a day and only moving from her bed to her big chair. She's using the walker that she never could imagine that she would need when we got it in January. She still goes to the bathroom on her own, but her hospice aide is now bathing her in bed. She doesn't even go into the kitchen any more; Beth feeds the dog, takes care of the house, and brings her meds and the little bit of food that she eats. She's having more and more trouble keeping anything in her stomach, esp. in the morning. But many times she brightens up in the afternoon and is able to eat a bit. Fortunately, the pain is still pretty well controlled, and she's not at the maximum dose of pain meds by any means. I'm relieved that she is able to sleep so much. I was afraid she would be awake and suffering at this point.
When she is awake, she is perfectly lucid, although I think the oxycontin is slowing her brain down just a little bit. She talks more slowly and has to concentrate harder to focus on the conversation. But she is still finishing up her own taxes (!) and is thoroughly enjoying her recent (possibly last) round of family visitors. She is very happy with the in-home hospice workers. There a quite a few of them, and I think she enjoys the variety. They pop in for short visits every couple of days, which is not quite what I expected, but it seems to work well for her. I think she looks forward to each visit. It gives her something to plan her day around and wake up for. Much of the rest of the time I think she is sleeping or drowsing.
Nobody can tell us how much longer she has. When I realized how fast her condition had changed since the beginning of March I thought she might not last the month. But she seems to have stabilized some, so I just don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if she took another abrupt downturn after my brother Dan visits at the end of April. I think she's focusing on staying engaged and alert until she has time to say goodbye to everybody. To be honest, I hope she goes fairly quickly after that, while she still has some feeling of control and not too much pain. That's the way she has always wanted it.
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Date: 2008-04-05 05:18 pm (UTC)I think that this is the best possible situation with Oma. Like you said, she seems in control of how she wants the last part of her life to go. She knows exactly what she wants. It is great that we are all able to say goodbye to her.
Hang in there mom! It was great visiting!