Thanks a lot, Honda, for protecting my battery with this impossible-to-remove terminal cover. I finally pried the damn thing off, which was kind of hard on the plastic cover. But I think it came with the battery, which is clearly toast, so who cares? Now that it's off I can see the hard plastic clips that you are supposed to depress simultaneously on both sides of the battery cover to release it, but now it's kind of too late, right?

Once that was out of the way, I just clamped the little charger on the terminals and all of the dashboard lights came on and the door beeper started complaining that there was a key in the ignition. One turn of the key and the car came alive. Amazingly, considering how dead the battery had seemed, it had not lost the clock settings. I let it run for 20 minutes, but I don't know if it will take a lasting charge. Either way, it should start once. And after that, if necessary, I can restart it easily with the little jump starter.
Can anybody recommend a drive-in battery store?